I have been a student of Acharya Shunya, studying Advaita Vedanta and Vedic wisdom for several years now. Starting to learn Vedic wisdom was a life changing experience for me. I always had a deep yearning to know my true self. Through all the texts I studied with Acharya Shunya, I steadily moved closer and closer to the core of who I really am. In our recent text study of Bhaja Govindam in Acharya Shunya’s Vedic Study Circle, this feeling of moving to the core of everything that I have learned so far has intensified. As I continue studying this text with our teacher, I am beginning to have more and more refined and undiluted insights about my True Self.
Life is as short-lived as a droplet of water on a lotus leaf. Actually, we are all trembling, insecure drops on the surface of a lotus leaf, ever fragile and ephemeral. As Acharya Shunya explained Verse 4 of Bhaja Govindam, I also began imagining myself as that unstable and fragile drop on a lotus leaf.
Despite the impermanence and fleeting nature of every experience, we live as if life is an endless stream. Many attractions of the external world lure us day in, day out. It is indeed hard for the mind which is caught up either in the pleasures of the sense objects or the sorrows and grievances of life, to come out of this thick and sticky sludge called samsara. Time and time again, we find ourselves drowning it.
Getting caught up might start with a seemingly innocent thought or desire but the whirlpool of samsara always gets triggered with one thought, one emotion, one unfulfilled desire. Then we continue churning in the sludge often breathless, disoriented and unsatisfied. Bringing our head above the water and seeing the reality beyond that thick, sticky sludge, taking a deep breath and reorienting ourselves is indeed not easy.
When I had a wake up call a year ago about the transitory and fleeting nature of life, the paradigm of my whole life shifted in one day. Coming across some insurmountable walls in my life made me realize that most things are out of my control. No matter how much willpower or motivation I have to overcome these difficulties and smoothen things up, it is beyond my power to do so. Actually this is when a seeker sits down, takes a deep breath and starts accepting things as they are. Acceptance and surrender usually bring about tremendous insights. These insights have the ability to soften the ego and let our true self start shining like a glitter on a dark canvas.
During this paradigm shift in my life, I realized that I don’t have to overcome each and every obstacle in my life or climb the insurmountable walls. By simply being and doing nothing, I can accept things as they are and surprisingly, the walls disappear on their own. Disappearing walls actually means an expanded consciousness through which I can see more.
When the walls disappear, the ego which seems strong and the willpower which we think makes all the choices, also start to appear as the fragments of an ever crumbling reality. A fragile, unsteady reality that we want to hold together so badly that oftentimes we kick, scream and cry like a child who has been denied having that really enticing candy bar.
Acharya Shunya also explains the term 'bhoga' in Verse 1 of Bhaja Govindam as the fixed amount of joy and sorrow in our lives which is mandatory. That means, despite our best efforts; sorrow, sickness, old age, decay and finally death will come knocking on the door, together with joys and pleasures of life. And we are truly that fragile, shaky water droplet standing on a lotus leaf, not knowing where we belong or what our cosmic future holds. Seeing this fragility and fleeting nature of things makes me loosen the reins and look for inner freedom rather than external fulfillment. As my deluded mind takes a back seat, the expanded consciousness craves for that union with Govinda, the ultimate Truth.
With constant contemplation on these verses, I slowly surrender to that inner controller that dwells within me. The possibility of going beyond the senses and entering the realm of Govinda gives me unprecedented peace and hope…
One day I woke up,
And looked in from the cave of my heart.
To see that I am that droplet on the lotus leaf
Ever fragile, ever short-lived…
Now I am longing to unite with that ocean
That can hold this droplet in its womb
Then let it flow
With oneness,
Fullness and knowingness.
Every time I look outside,
The fragmented reality of maya appears.
Trying to lure me in
Calling out to me with names and forms
Wanting to make me someone, somebody
With a form, with a mind, with feelings
And unceasing desires.
Thoughts, perceptions and desires…
A distance between me and them
A distance from bonds that seem unbreakable!
I am not those bonds,
I am not tied to anything.
I am flowing
As nothingness
Ever peaceful, ever knowing…
The distance makes me empty.
Empty of feelings, desires, attachments.
Cages that seem to be determined,
Determined to prison me across lifetimes
Now come and greet me with open doors.
I am indeed that droplet,
Falling off a cage
Still standing on a lotus leaf
Ready to merge
With the ocean
Ever free, ever flowing, ever unchained…
This wisdom and knowledge of Vedanta that I am hearing is piercing my ordinary mind like a sharp sword and cutting through my ignorance. Now I very well know that this wisdom is not ordinary knowledge that you can read in a book and memorize. This is the knowledge of the True Self which can only be grasped when the chatter of the everyday mind stops and the soul listens.
When my soul listens and the wisdom lights me up from within, I feel compassion for myself and all other human beings. Coming across this wisdom is the biggest gift of my life. As my heart expands with gratitude to my teacher and her teachers, I wish this gift of knowledge can reach out to all human beings who have the same yearning as me. May we all discover our Truest Self and see what is beyond this sense world.
Ozlem Tokman
Ozlem is an author of children’s books. She has lived and worked in Beijing, Singapore, Kuala Lumpur and Seoul in the past twenty years of her life. She is currently living in Chengdu, China with her family.
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