THE PAIN OF SEPARATION

Acharya Shunya has given a series of satsangas on the nature of the Ego, in which she describes ego as the separation maker. In her presentation, she mentions that the Ego is what pulls us away from our true self, separates us from the unchanging reality and goes out to the world to find new associations, ideas or beliefs to latch on to. Ego, by separating itself from our true self, constantly weaves a distinct story of its own.

When we lose ourselves to anger, grief, frustration, jealousy and a whole array of unproductive emotions, what we experience is also a state of separation. And this feeling of separation leads to so much pain and suffering as we become more and more aware of it.

Recently, I had an unpleasant experience of deep frustration about something which caught me off guard. For a long while, I have been feeling that my ego was softening and I was residing closer to my Atman and approaching the world from my heart space.

However, when my ego couldn’t get what it wanted, it suddenly created a victimhood out of it and I found myself going down that same old rabbit hole. The thought patterns that I assumed were over, came forward even stronger. This come back shocked me and caused so much hurt inside. When the initial face of grief, anger and delusion was over, I was only then able to step back and put a distance between me and this turmoil in my mind.

What surprised me even more was the feeling of frustration with myself. I guess, as a spiritual seeker I had higher expectations regarding my reactions. This actually showed me the slippery slope of the ego which can easily turn around and get you, even when you think you are safely journeying on your spiritual path with determination and steadiness.

As Acharya Shunya mentions in her teachings, ego does not have standards or integrity. Most of the time it acts randomly, just on impulse. One day we might feel calm, peaceful and do the right thing; the next day we might lose ourselves to anger and frustration and totally separate from our true self.

The ego which is our only gateway to spiritual liberation is also the biggest hindrance in front of it. The fluidity and rapidly changing nature of it makes ego appear as a friend on some days and an enemy on other days.

The only way to find stability in this shaky ground is to move away from our ego consciousness and continuously reunite with our true self. Ego will always be tricking us into sadness, anger, frustration, victimhood and a feeling of not being enough. Instead of going along with this storyline and believing in it; it is better to consciously align with what is stable and unchanging inside us.

As we progress in our spiritual journey, each instance of separation from our true self will create more and more pain, like the one that a mother feels when she is forcefully parted with her child. And similarly, each mindfully chosen reunion with Self and Atman will transport us back to that peaceful ocean where we can safely hold our child in our embrace.

These episodes of pain when we separate from our true self and Atman, also brings about the much needed kindness and compassion towards other human beings. As we ache, our hearts start to soften with understanding of others’ pain. We clearly see that the acts of ego are all the same in every human being; causing turmoil, anger, self-pity and sadness in each one of us.

We are all journeying in the same train. Our hearts are sometimes naturally full with peace and calm; on other occasions, we are deeply separated, alone and in the dark. I believe that a deeper understanding and awareness of this pain and feeling compassion for each other is the only way to navigate this samsara mindfully and find an anchor in it.

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